Monday, July 13, 2015
Chasing My Dream Only to End up Running From my Nightmares.
When you are seventeen and eighteen you feel the urge to face the world and to go after your dreams yet, at the same time you feel anxious and nervous. When I was seventeen all I could remember was my Uncle Marv telling me stories about military life. You'd think that he'd been in the military himself but he had not.
His stories used to memorize me, he'd tell me about the Red Baron and about World War fighter pilots. He was a history buff and when he described those stories they all seemed so real to me. My goal was to one day become a war hero. The weekends that I'd spent with my uncle were priceless. As I got older I realized that my eye sight wasn't the best and I just assumed that I'd never make it as a fighter pilot and my dreams eventually switched gears.
My dreams changed so often that by the time I was eighteen I discovered that I really didn't have a dream per say, instead all I wanted to do was to be free of my parents house.
So I moved to Florida to spend some time with my older sister. Her husband, my brother in law at the time was contemplating joining the Army. I decided that might be fun, so we went down together and met with a recruiter. My brother in law and I tested out differently which meant that we wouldn't be able to chose the same career fields. To be with my brother in law I decided to go with what they were offering him. I had no idea what a Calvary Scout really was, but I was about to find out.
Boot camp nearly kicked my butt, but I enjoyed the comradery and more than anything I was bringing home a paycheck, that was just as cool.
Looking back, I don't think I was really prepared for what lay ahead. I got along great with the guys in my platoon. Going in, we all knew that there was a chance that we could be killed, after all it was just a few years after 9/11 and when we signed up, when knew we'd be going to war. I had no desire to become a war hero, I just wanted to come back alive. I know we all felt the same way.
My job as a Calvary Scout sounded so much better in the recruiters office, the truth of the matter was it was not fun and games. It was a serious job and all the training in the world didn't prepare my mind for the things that I would see and hear.
I spent my time in between missions, writing home, playing cards and hanging out with the "guys". The men and women I served along side of meant a lot to me. I was in the army for nearly ten years and have been out almost two years yet I try hard not to think about them. Not that I dislike them, but because those memories are a mixture of good times and bad. You see a few of my friends that went in with me, came back in boxes. They never got to experience coming home to their wives, husbands, mothers, brothers etc.
The moment I begin to think back on some of the men and women I served with , floods of memories come pouring in my head. The vision of those boxes or coffins anger me, upset me, sadden me.
There was no rhyme or reason as to who lived and who died. It was a reality that I tried to keep out of my head, but those faces, voices of those that lost their lives still haunt my memories to this day. And, every time I try to brush them out of my mind, I feel guilty for doing so.
War is unfair, its not as glamorous as the stories that my uncle used to tell me as a child. To keep my mind from dwelling on this, I quickly learned that a few drinks often took the sting of it away.
Those few drinks, then led to a few huffs and a few puffs then eventually to a few pills and a few injections.
The dream of my youth that I was chasing of joining the military with my brother in law and to valiantly serve my country was just that a dream. The reality of me joining the military had a dark side that I was not prepared for. Truth is no one was prepared for and nothing can really prepare anyone for what that reality really is.
In the mean time, I've watched some of my brothers go home in boxes, some of them struggle emotionally, physically and mentally and some of them move forward and carry on with no signs of any damage.
We were all chasing our dreams when we signed on, some of us hoped for an adventure, others yearned for a new start and some were in it for a career.
The impact of war for those who served and for their families has left an imprint, now I'm struggling to find out how to defeat these nightmares and to move forward. I'm determined to do this.
This is my blog, my goal is to share my feelings and experiences with the world in hopes of making sense of it all. If you are struggling with emotional, physical or mental issues from your experiences please reach out for help.http://ptsd.supportgroups.com/
Facing My Demons Once and For All - My Introduction
PTSD and its nightmares have nearly destroyed my life. It has been an ugly reality that I've tried to keep hidden for far too long. I've tried to get help for and tried to self medicate to make the nightmares and flashbacks go away, I've even tried to run from them to no avail.
I can't stop the nightmares no matter how hard I try, but I am determined to find a way to drain them of the power that they have over my life. Until about six years ago, I didn't realize that nightmares could happen even when you one was awake.
If you've been diagnosed with post traumatic syndrome disorder (PTSD), then you know what I'm talking about.
I've spent years trying to ignore the flashbacks, hide from them and even drink them away. In case you are wondering, don't try any of those remedies, because they don't work.
A few days ago I decided to sit down and share my experiences and even my nightmares with the world, or at least with anyone who would listen.
Why, you might ask? Because I am tried of what the nightmares have done to me and all the self medicating in the world has not taken them away and I have a feeling that I am not the only one struggling with this.
I can't promise you any answers and I can't promise to entertain you with my blog, but I can promise you that if you are going through your own hell, then you'll be able to relate to my blog.
This is my first blog, so let me introduce myself, my name is Jeremiah and I spent nearly ten years in the U.S. Army, first as a Calvary Scout, then as an Infantryman. Nothing in life prior to my military experience ever prepared me for what I have seen, heard and felt during my time in Afghanistan.
I'm not here for a pity party, that is not my purpose, instead I want to verbalize my journey both the good and the bad.
I'm ready to face my demons head on and to take a stand once and for all. My goal is to make this a positive series of blogs. I want to share what has worked for me, what has not, what I am feeling and to share advice and solutions that have been passed onto me. I believe I can eventually put these nightmares to rest once and for all.
In hind sight I think maybe there were some things that I should have done to end this sooner, but I can not take back yesterday so I am starting this day forward.
I want to invite you to read and share my blog and to share your thoughts as well.
If you are living with PTSD, I encourage you to reach out for help.
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